Musing on mortality

I've blown through five chemos in the past year (Abraxane, Doxil, Adriamycin, Gemzar and Navelbine) and there are about six still available, including one I received in 1999 at my original diagnosis. This scares me. I don't want to face that I might be in constant chemo until all options are gone Yet no chemo has put me far enough into low tumor markers that I've been able to take a break for more than a week. 

Dr G, however, appears to still be optimistic. Maybe I just have to learn to live with yet another "new normal" of being in constant chemo. On the other hand, he wants to see me in two weeks. That's much shorter than the usual month between visits. He said he doesn't want me to go without some kind of treatment for more than two weeks.

On the other hand, (I know, that makes three hands, but who's counting?) life has been relatively as usual and as long as I can continue to get around, drive, volunteer, sing in my choir, cook etc. I am fine with being on treatment. My ability to bounce back is still there.

But I am afraid of what may be coming, what I've seen in so many others with metastatic cancer: loss of mobility and independence, my world getting progressively smaller, more and more toxic side effects. 

We just lost a young member of my local support group, and a member of my online group recently lost his wife. This makes me more conscious of impending mortality.