I actually managed to sleep most of the night (with the usual short break for a hot flash from 3 - 5 AM). I think I was able to relax and fall asleep despite concerns over the scan results because I had a conversation with my cancer after I got into bed. Here's what I said:
"New cancer, I want to let you know about the deal I made with my breast cancer metastases a few years ago. I told them that they could stay as long as they were quiet and well-behaved tenants -- no loud parties, no noise, no acting up. If the mets got out of hand, I would have to call in the big guns and then they'd be unhappy. (And sure enough, they "acted up" on a couple of occasions and I had to have radiation to two areas.)"
"I'm a reasonable person and since I am already living with cancer, I'll make you the same offer. You can stay as long as you're well-behaved. By well-behaved I mean that you will stay the same size or not get any bigger (indeed, you might even get smaller). You won't cause me any shortness of breath, coughing or other troubles. Together we will cohabit my body, we'll both last longer and we'll have a better quality of life."
"If you don't take me up on this offer, I will have to get out the big guns. Chemotherapy, maybe surgery, who knows what options are out there? You'll be ground into the dust, so to speak, and I probably won't feel 100% from whatever treatment I get. But I'll soon feel better and you'll be gone."
"Believe me, it's best to make this deal."
I didn't hear any answers, but I put the offer out there. Years ago Rik learned that if you want something from the universe, you have to articulate it and put it out there. That's how we met. So here is my call to the universe: I am willing to make room for cancer in my life as long as it behaves itself. Do we have a deal?