Staying hopeful

Last week my friend J died after only a few days with hospice care. I saw her on Thursday at our support group and days later she died. On Sunday Rik and I attended her memorial service. And tonight I went with friends to a shiva minyan at her home. The mourners? Her wife, her college-aged daughter, her sister and other family members.

Joanie, like me, had lived with metastatic breast cancer for more than a few years. We shared many struggles and difficulties, but I think we both approached living with advanced cancer in similar ways.

Sometimes it sucks.

Other times it's just life. Or as our friend D from group puts it, the glass is full.

No, my nickname isn't Pollyanna. My life isn't all smiles and good cheer. It's just that I'd rather find the joy in each day if I can.

Even when I was hospitalized recently and shaking with fever and chills, after the shaking stopped, I tried to relax and practice my yoga breathing. The next day, if I could eat, I wanted some vitamin CH (that's chocolate to the rest of you). 

I don't know how, even in this aftermath of yet another friend's death from advanced cancer, I can still smile. But somehow I manage to find joy in every day.

You might find this article from CURE Magazine of note: Hope in the Face of Death: Living With Metastatic Breast Cancer. The author notes that there are long-term outliers living with mets, naming me and others among them. 

Every click on the article results in a donation to METAvivor. And if we don't give now to fund research into metastatic breast cancer, then when?

Chanukah

Last night our holiday of Chanukah began. It's about "this" important in terms of Jewish observance. Because it's a winter festival of lights and can fall very close to Christmas, the holiday observed by our government and so many people worldwide, Chanukah has come to take on increased importance in the USA and other Western countries.

That said, how can you not love a holiday whose main observance, after lighting candles (which we do on most Jewish holidays), is cooking and eating foods fried in oil? Me -- I never met a fried potato I didn't like.

Last night I did my usual, annual routine. I made my dad's recipe for latkes (potato pancakes) while listening to Debbie Friedman's album Not by Might, Not by Power, singing as loudly as possible and dancing around the kitchen.

While the latkes were cooking in batches, I made the Joy of Cooking's vegan orange cake, which comes together quickly, bakes in 30 minutes, and doesn't require more eggs or even much oil. I use half the sugar called for and cut the orange juice with half lemon juice, so that it's not as sweet as the original recipe.  I spread chocolate chips over half the top as the cake cooled so Rik and I would both enjoy part of it.

I pulled from the fridge the rest of the cranberry chutney I made for Thanksgiving, some salad, apple sauce and Greek yogurt (didn't have sour cream). After frying so many latkes that the house stank from oil, we ate latkes and salad for dinner until we were stuffed. Rik ate six and I ate four. Shouldn't have had that last one (urp). 

Now that's what I call a holiday!

The first three latkes!

Again I will post my adaptation of my father's latke recipe. As my mom and I recalled, Dad would stand at the stove frying while we three sat at the kitchen table. He'd serve up a plate of latkes, start frying another batch, and eat his while standing up. No wonder both his daughters became master latke-makers!

Jill's take on Shellie's Latkes




2 pounds Yukon Gold or russet potatoes, peeled
2 onions, grated
3 large eggs, lightly beaten
Salt and freshly ground black pepper to taste
1/4 cup matzo meal or flour
Avocado, canola or other high heat oil, mixed with olive oil for frying
Applesauce and/or sour cream for garnish

1. Grate the potatoes by hand using the tiny holes in the grater. Or in a food processor use the thinnest grating blade, then whirl with the S blade to turn potatoes from grated strips into more of a mush. Grate the onions in the same way. Scoop up 1/4 cup of potatoes at a time with your hands and squeeze out and discard the excess liquid, then put in a colander and add the onions, eggs, matzo meal or flour, salt, and pepper, making sure that everything is very well blended. Let batter drain in the large colander over a mixing bowl while you fry.

2. Heat about 1/4 inch of oil in a 10-inch pan over high heat. Scoop latkes using a tablespoon and add them to the hot oil. Don't crowd the pan -- four at a time is plenty. Be careful not to burn yourself! Cook latkes for about 5 minutes per side. Drain on a rack placed in a baking sheet with one inch sides (do not use paper towels), and keep warm in a 250 degree oven. Or eat standing up, while they're fresh from the oil.

3. Serve with applesauce at a meat meal or with sour cream or Greek style yogurt at a dairy meal.

PS You can freeze fried latkes in a single layer on a baking sheet. Transfer to a freezer bag or other container. When ready to eat latkes again, reheat in a low oven for about 20 minutes or until warm. If you make them in advance this way, your house doesn't smell like fried potatoes or stale oil when the guests arrive. Thanks to my sister for this great tip!

The latest

What with the Jewish new year last week, chemo and a medical surprise, I haven't had time to write lately. Here is a recap of the latest.

Even though Rosh Hashanah came at the end of my weekly chemo cycle, I overdid it with baking and socializing on Sunday. By Monday morning I didn't have enough energy to go to services, even to see Rik receive the honor of being called to the Torah. (Evidently at 9:20 am I was moaning, "I'm getting up," even as Rik was getting ready to walk out the door.) We did manage to enjoy lunch with friends on Monday.

On Tuesday I actually made it to synagogue for the second day of the holiday, just in time to hear the shofar blown. There is also one part of the new year's service that I love. We bow before God, as in the daily prayer services, but on Rosh Hashanah one can choose to actually prostrate, getting down on the floor and kneeling. I have done this along with the cantorial soloist for many years, partly because I want to know that I can, and partly because this is the one moment in the year when I acknowledge that I don't have control over everything in life. By kneeling before God, I remind myself that it's not all about me. I believe God has a plan, even if I don't know it or can't understand it.

Okay, back to last week.

On Wednesday afternoon I had chemo. When I woke up in the morning, I did something rare and unusual. I called the Amazing and Wonderful Nurse Jacque to say that I felt awful, my feet were in terrible shape from the neuropathy, I'd had an indifferent holiday at best, and to please ask Dr G to consider dropping one of the two chemos. Dr G agreed to drop the Taxol and only give me the carboplatin.

I also complained about a possible urinary tract infection and later I gave a sample to be tested for infection. Dr G prescribed something to help with the frequent need to urinate, which actually hasn't helped much. I'm waiting for tomorrow to call Nurse Jacque about the final results of the urinalysis and hopefully get an antibiotic. Even if it's only a slight infection, something has been going on for ten days. And if it's not an infection, what is it?

While at chemo Dr G decided my red blood cell count was borderline and would likely dip further after that dose of carboplatin. He ordered a blood transfusion. Surprise!

Thursday I went to my support group as usual. The nurses at the wound center changed my chest bandage and decided it hadn't healed much in two weeks. My former port-a-cath site is almost completely healed. At last some good news! The doctor in the wound center said keep on with what we're doing and that he'd been in touch with Dr G about possible options. I see Dr G this week and will learn more then.

The blood transfusion took all of Friday, mostly because I couldn't get up early in the morning. A friend visited until I started to drowse from the IV Benadryl. I slept for more than an hour and missed my 1 pm visitor. Thankfully she came back, brought lunch, and we had a good talk. Good surprises in the making!

I'm still having insomnia, even with my naturopathic doctor's recommendation of WellMind. Last night I didn't fall asleep until almost 2 am. My feet still hurt tremendously. I'm now taking medication for high blood pressure likely caused by the chemo. This has been a rough time. I look forward to a week or so break from chemo.

As I said, I see Dr G later this week and hope to have a plan, even if it's another brain MRI. Let's hope the carboplatin lowers my tumor markers and has killed some brain mets!

Shana tova!

Thanks to Rhymes With Orange for such a great 'toon!

Words of Torah on my 13th metsiversary

I don't know why, but I've never thought of adding words of Torah to my metsiversary party. But I'd been joking about the cancer bat mitzvah anniversary for months in advance and adding Torah to the celebration made it both more poignant and more meaningful. I asked two loving friends if they would speak to those at the party. They agreed, and they each gave terrific interpretations of that week's Torah portion.

I can't help but find that re-reading these words feels a little bit like reading eulogies for me. On the other hand, anyone would be proud to be called such an example by their loved ones. I most certainly feel that way, and I'm a little embarrassed to be set on this pedestal. But not too much to share here!

D's words of Torah:

Thursday August 20, 2015
Shoftim

Has anyone here read Jill’s blog? Has anyone here not read it? Well whether you have read it or not, knowing Jill means you know how important her Jewish identity and practice are to her.

For Jewish people, the 13th year of life is a child’s Bar or Bat Mitzvah. Typically, we honor this event by reading from the Torah and celebrating.

Today, we are acknowledging Jill’s 13th year of her life with metastatic cancer. In honor of this, Jill asked me to share a few words of Torah.

Jewish people divide up the Torah (the Five Books of Moses) into portions and publically read one portion each week. Throughout the world, Jews are reading and studying the same part of Torah at the same time.

This week’s portion is called Shoftim, which translates to Judges. The portion reminds us that Moses assigned capable, impartial, truth-seeking people to judge and oversee the children of Israel in their everyday affairs. These judges naturally became the leaders of the people.

Moses established this leadership system based on the advice of his father-in-law Yitro. Looking back in time, Yitro came to visit Moses at camp, shortly after the escape from Egypt. Yitro saw Moses wearing himself out settling individual inquiries and grievances all day long. Recognizing that Moses was needed to guide the newborn nation of Israel as a whole, Yitro advised Moses to set some boundaries and share the burden of keeping order among all those people. Yitro described a system of assigning judges, or leaders, for groups of different sizes, ranging from groups of 10 people to 50’s, hundreds and thousands. Groups of thousands of people. Moses must have really had his hands full!

When Moses agreed to share the burden of leading all these people, he had more strength to do the big work that he needed to do. This included educating the people as a whole on the laws to guide their lives, as well as settling the major matters that arose.

Looking ahead to the time when the tribes of Israel had settled in various parts of the land, there was a period without a king or other central leader. In these times, the judges continued to lead the children of Israel. There is a whole book of the Bible (called Judges) telling the story of several of these judges, and how they led the Jewish people to victory against their enemies. Among them was Deborah, one of the few Biblical women acknowledged for her strong leadership role independent of her husband.

Deborah is described as a prophetess who sat under a palm tree and provided judgment to the children of Israel. She also directed the Jewish general to conquer the enemy, and accompanied (or perhaps led?) him into battle when he refused to do it on his own. She ended this battle with a song of victory.

So, we see that Deborah led the people in more ways than one: As wise, impartial judge, and as a courageous warrior, fiercely defending what was right for the Jewish people.

Learning about these ancient leaders of the Jewish people calls to mind the qualities and actions of our friend Jill, a strong leader in her own right.

We are here to celebrate Jill’s 13 years of victory over an insidious enemy – metastatic breast cancer. Like the ancient leader Deborah, Jill is a fighter. Like Moses and the leaders he assigned, she sets boundaries, enlists others to help achieve important goals, seeks the truth and educates the people around her on important matters.

If you have known Jill awhile, I am guessing you can think of examples of each of these things, and more. I will share a few of my own examples.

Through all the years I have known her, Jill has stepped up to just about every leadership opportunity she could find – from leading the Radost Folk Ensemble, to the AIDS walk, the Hadassah office, her synagogue’s board, and her current informal role leading many, many people in learning about, living with and fighting against cancer.

Jill has the wisdom to maintain her boundaries, share the burden and sustain her own ability to do the big work. She advocates for her quality of life during treatment, rests when she needs to and asks for help when she needs it.

Jill is great at inspiring and enlisting others – she builds strong groups of volunteers to significantly expand the ability to get the job done.

Jill has the willingness to learn – best ways to fundraise, how to work successfully with people with a different Meyers-Briggs type, and newest ways to fight the myriad types of breast cancer.

Jill has the communication skills and will to teach, as evidenced by the wide readership and national recognition of her blog.

Jill has the drive to reach out to the broader world and lead people to make things better. Currently she is educating and leading her wide circle of friends and acquaintances in the fight to bring resources and attention to metastatic breast cancer research.

And Jill is a warrior. She would not be alive right now if she was not.

While preparing this d’var, I shared my ideas with my teenage son, and he said –

“Jill is a warrior. When God gave Jill lemons, she didn’t make lemonade. She threw them back and demanded chocolate.”

C's words of Torah:

Deuteronomy chapter 20: 2-4, Shoftim

And it will be, when you approach the battle, that the kohen shall come near, and speak to the people.

And he shall say to them, "Hear O Israel, today you are approaching the battle against your enemies. Lets your hearts not be faint; you shall not be afraid, and you shall not be alarmed, and you shall not be terrified because of them.

For the Lord, your God, is the one who goes with you, to fight for you against your enemies, to save you."

Many of you know that Jill is a Cohen, one of the priestly tribe.

When she was first diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer, she was clear with her friends and her doctors that as long as the cancer did not rear its ugly head, she would leave it in peace - which is what this portion of Shoftim states - always think of peace first before going to battle.

But, if the cancer acts up - Jill was prepared and did fight strongly.

Not only that but she shared her battle and helped others to not be afraid, to not be terrified of it. Fight the righteous battles - to save a life, to help others. Jill has been working these past 13 years on this.

When one becomes a bat mitzvah, you enter into adulthood in the Jewish community. Jill had entered into leadership in this particular community.

May it be until 120.

Happy 13th metsiversary to me!

We were so ridiculously busy on my 13th mets anniversary that I didn't get to blog about it all yet.

I decided to hold a big party, and invited 87 people to attend. I didn't even realize I was that friendly with so many people! About 35 folks showed up, which is a great amount for our backyard to hold.

I strung some lights we normally only use in the sukkah, and put them along the deck railing the way my niece Dana did at my 5th metsiversary. Rik moved the heavy table and chairs off the deck and onto the grass. S and her daughter L pulled out all our folding chairs and gave them a wash and some, a scrub (which they desperately needed). They also pulled all the tomato plants off the plastic table and gave that a wash too. Such excellent helpers!

Rik arranged everything into an arc, put chairs around the tables. Someone moved the Radost bench out of its housing in our garage and put more chairs facing it. I found tablecloths and put out tea lights in holders. Sadly, it was cool and windy that evening and the candles blew out right away. Next time I'll listen to S and ask to borrow the battery-powered ones from Radost.

D brought her longer folding table and many friends squeezed the incredible amount of chocolate desserts which people brought for potluck. Thanks especially to G and D for bringing an enormous
cheese platter which all enjoyed. Yes J, I still have your delicious cheese which those foodies would have devoured in seconds.

There was also ice cream (even some Graeter's, my hometown favorite from Cincinnati, now in QFC stores here); wine; lemonade (in case it got hot - feh); fruit; you name it. Mostly chocolate thought. My friends know me well. And I sent food home with as many people as would take (don't worry R: I saved your cake for me!)

The dogs were wild. At least Bob had the sense to lie down in his crate after he barked at everyone. Boychik tried to eat all the chocolate and was a huge annoyance, but it was better to pat him away from the table than listen to him whine from somewhere in the house. I think.

A true highlight came when D and C said a few words of Torah. I had never thought to bring this part of Judaism to my celebrations before, but given that this was my cancer "bat mitzvah," it seemed appropriate. I had asked them to speak that night, and I've asked them if I may share their words on my blog. Update soon.

I said my thanks to all, to Dr G, and to the universe for giving me so many loving friends and family  and years to spend with them. I go t a little ferklemt (that means teary-eyed) and then I blew my annual Bronx cheer to cancer. Also known as a "raspberry," I had to teach some folks who weren't native New Yorkers. You can imagine the sound we made.

To top things off, we made a toast and G and W, who recently were in a production of Fiddler on the Roof, led us all in the famous song from that show "To Life! To Life! L'chaim!"

I try hard to only blow a Bronx cheer on August 20th. The rest of the year I say to my cancer, you can live with me but you have to behave. It hasn't been very "have" lately (more on that soon), but we're giving it the big meds to quiet things down. So far, so good.

Back to the party: D brought her tambura and K his violin and gave an impromptu concert. When D started to play Evo bank Cigane moj, I thought to myself "I know that song!" Of course I did - D let me sing it in a concert a few years ago, the Passover when I dislocated my left elbow. I just had to sing with them. Thankfully D had brought the words.

So there was music, dancing, and eating, hugging and kissing and laughter. In short, it was a fantastic way to celebrate 13 years of living with mets.

L'chaim to all of us -- until 120 years!  עד מאה ועשרים שנה‎; in Yiddish "Biz Hundret un Tsvantsig"

Happy Passover

The other day I surveyed my haggadah and seder notes and created some new activities. Yesterday, in honor of spring's arrival with Passover, I planted some fuchsia starts. Now it's still a few hours before sunset, but my part of the prep is done. I baked all morning:

• "Miss Terri's" matzah granola (recipe from my sister)
• gefilte fish (recipe from DB)
• a pavlova (in honor of Hanah) and
• matzah almond roca (otherwise known as Jewish "crack"). It's practically the best thing about Passover - chocolate and salted caramel with nuts on matzah.

Now I am sitting down for the first time all day. The house is (relatively) clean after all that baking, and I'm more than ready for the first glass of wine.

Passover isn't only about food, although it can seem that way. This year because friends are hosting, I get to lead the seder without the stress of also cooking and serving the meal.

Our Rabbi Jill Borodin spoke last Saturday about Pesach. To quote, her overall message was that "we all experience setbacks, affliction, trouble, oppression, but overcoming it is possible with God's help, although things might still be incomplete and messy."

This rings with the most truth I've read about Pesach since I can't remember when. Not everyone has metastatic cancer, but to quote another rabbi, everyone has something. Even Gilda Radner famously said this: It's always something." It's a universal truth which can be easy to forget, when you're caught up in your own tsuris (sorrows). Even when things seem better, while we live, life remains incomplete.

So this is my wish for Passover, also a Jewish new year: May we all increase our awareness of others' difficulties, help when and how we can, and lift ourselves up to the best of our abilities while acknowledging life's messiness.

Jewish Haiku/Jewish Zen

This was in an email from my friend P. Haiku are Japanese poems of seventeen syllables, in three lines of five, seven, and five, traditionally evoking images of the natural world.


Beyond Valium,
peace is knowing one's child
is an internist.


On Passover we
opened the door for Elijah.
Now our dog is gone.


After the warm rain
the sweet smell of camellias.
Did you wipe your feet?


Her lips near my ear,
Aunt Sadie whispers the name
of her friend's disease.


Today I am a man
Tomorrow I will return
to the seventh grade.


Testing the warm milk
on her wrist, she sighs softly
But her son is forty.


The sparkling blue sea
reminds me to wait an hour
after my sandwich.


Like a bonsai tree
is your terrible posture
at my dinner table.


Jews on safari --
map, compass, elephant gun,
hard sucking candies.


The same kimono
the top geishas are wearing:
I got it at Loehmann's.


The shiva visit:
so sorry about your loss.
Now back to my problems.


Mom, please!
There is no need
to put that dinner roll in your purse.


Sorry I'm not home
to take your call. At the tone
please state your bad news.


Is one Nobel Prize
so much to ask from a child
after all I've done?


Today, mild shvitzing.
Tomorrow, so hot you'll plotz
Five-day forecast: feh.


Yenta. Shmeer. Gevalt.
Shlemiel. Shlimazl. Meshuganah
Oy! To be fluent!


Quietly murmured
at Saturday Synagogue services,
Blue Jays 5, Red Sox 3.


A lovely nose ring,
excuse me while I put my
head in the oven.


Hard to tell under the lights.
White kippah or
male-pattern baldness.


Jewish Buddhism:
If there is no self
whose arthritis is this?


Be here now.
Be someplace else later.
Is that so complicated?


Drink tea and nourish life;
with the first sip, joy;
with the second sip, satisfaction;
with the third sip, peace;
with the fourth, a Danish.


Wherever you go, there you are.
Your luggage is another story.


Accept misfortune as a blessing.
Do not wish for perfect health, or a life without problems.
What would you talk about?


The journey of a thousand miles begins with
a single Oy.


There is no escaping karma.
In a previous life,
you never called,
you never wrote,
you never visited.
And whose fault was that?


Zen is not easy.
It takes effort to attain nothingness.
And then what do you have?
Bupkis.


The Tao does not speak,
does not blame,
does not take sides.
The Tao has no expectations,
demands nothing of others.
It is not Jewish.


Breathe in.
Breathe out.
Breathe in.
Breathe out
Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be
the least of your problems.


Let your mind be as a floating cloud.
Let your stillness be as a wooded glen
And sit up straight.
You'll never meet the Buddha with such
rounded shoulders.


Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers.
Each flower blossoms ten thousand times.
Each blossom has ten thousand petals.
You might want to see a specialist.


Be aware of your body.
Be aware of your perceptions.
Keep in mind that not every physical
sensation is a
symptom of a terminal illness.


The Torah says,
Love your neighbor as yourself.
The Buddha says,
There is no self.
Maybe we're off the hook.

Long time no blog

It's been busy here. Since the transfusion I've had mixed energy, not what you'd expect from getting fresh blood. Twice I've taken dextroamphetamine as per Dr G just to get started in the morning. Today's real (as opposed to decaf) coffee didn't do it for me.

But I did manage to make 25 potato latkes for our block party this afternoon. The house smells like fried oil, as it should during Chanukah. Rik took the selfie below on the first night when it was just us.  You can find my dad's latke recipe here.

On Friday night we went to friends for a latke-fest and I baked a six-pointed "Jewish" star shaped challah. It was well-received with many an ooh and ahh. One guest pointed out that her Swedish grandmother used to make cardamom bread (I fill my challah ropes with cardamom and brown sugar), and that this challah smelled like love to her. What a lovely thing to say!

Bob spent the day at the groomer but it's hard to tell in this photo. Boychik did the same a couple of weeks ago, so both dogs are now dematted for a few months. FYI, Boychik had a small cyst on his back leg that only showed up when his hair was cut. The vet removed and biopsied it and it's benign - no cancer!




And that seems to be all the news of the day! Happy Chanukah, and I wish us all a happy and healthy, joy-filled new year.

From one holiday to the next

It always feels as thought autumn is full of holidays and holy days. From starting a new year to the Great I'm Sorry (aka Yom Kippur) and then sliding into the harvest fest of Sukkot, it's one celebration after another. Unless you have metastatic cancer.

Ringing in the new year was fun and spiritually satisfying. Yom Kippur was more challenging: the rush to eat dinner at 4:30 pm in order to be at synagogue by 5:45 pm; the long 25 hour fast; the inner cleansing and asking for forgiveness; remembering those we've lost; and finally a great hullaballoo at the end when we're practically dancing in the aisles during the final shofar blast.

The break-fast felt quiet after so much energy spent during the day. The next morning, Rik put up our sukkah (temporary shanty) with help from friends, and more friends came over to decorate it. My sukkah, now in it's 22nd year, looks like a lifetime of memories from our twenty years of marriage and even before.

But this Abraxane is beginning to wear me down. On Monday I felt fine, but got hit with diarrhea immediately upon arriving home. Tuesday I could barely get out of bed; it was just as well that Rik needed the car all day. Wednesday and today have been better but not terrific. I expect next week's chemo to hit me as hard. That will be the third dose in this second round.

So now I'm going to try to relax, cuddle with the dogs, maybe watch some TV or read a book. I'm already in my jammies.

A happy new year starts off

I meant to post something significant if not downright mystical last week as the new Jewish year approached. Instead, I made chopped liver. And ginger cake. And plum kuchen from my friend's miter's recipe. And 100 travados.

I'm a practical kind of person, after all, so a quasi-mystical post wouldn't have seemed right somehow. Instead, here is my dad's recipe for chopped liver, a Jewish delight that resembles a rough pate de fois gras only made from chicken instead of goose livers.

Below is the chopped liver technique. Video by Rik Katz; fun also provided by Bob and Boychik. Shana tova umetuka veshalom - wishing us all a new year of joy, sweetness, good health, and peace around our world.

Chopped Liver Video Part 1:

Chopped Liver Video Part 2:

Chopped Liver Video Part 3:

Chopped Liver Video Part 4:

6th Yahrzeit

Today is the sixth yahrzeit (annual memorial) for my father, may his memory be for a blessing. Last night I lit the 24-hour yahrzeit memorial candle, which is still burning as I type now.

Rik woke me at 6 AM this morning so that I could get to morning minyan (service) on time. I arrived by 7:10 and my friend D was already there. We had a minyan of 10 people by 7:45 or so. As the only Kohen present, I was offered the first aliyah. I'm sure my dad would have been proud, since he's the one who taught me how to do it. I remember my first summer at Camp Tel Yehudah. I had been offered an aliyah and I had to call home "collect" to get my correct Hebrew name from my parents. (You have to be old enough to remember what "calling collect" means.)

D ended up saving the minyan. No one had prepared the Torah reading, and when the man leading the services asked if anyone could sight read the portion, D said yes, if she could use a chumash (a printed book of the Torah). She did a marvelous job, leyning (singing) the trope (cantillation) in the lovely melody she learned from a friend. Imagine sight-singing a new piece of music, in front of other people, when the words are in another language, and you'll understand the feat D pulled off today.

In our congregation, at daily minyan, those observing a yahrzeit have the opportunity to hold the Torah scroll while reciting the prayer El Maleh Rachamim (God full of compassion). I held the Torah, sang El Maleh for my dad, and then told a short story about him:

When we were on a family trip to California in the mid-70s, we drove from San Francisco to Los Angeles. ALong the way we stopped at San Simeon for a night and stayed at a motel on the beach. We drove up and father said, "Take off your shows." We looked at hime like he was crazy. "Take off your shoes!" OK, we took off our shoes. Then, before checking in to the reception desk, he walked my mom, my sister and I to the edge of the beach, and told us to dip our toes into the Pacific ocean. That, he said, made us cross-country travelers. (As New Yorkers, we had of course been in the Atlantic ocean many times.)

It's especially sad to remember my father this year, when Father's Day and his yahrzeit coincided. Zichrono l'vracha, may his memory be for a blessing to all who knew him.

Shimon Shir ben Zalman haKohen uMiryam, 1985

Feeling better and better

It's been a week full of feeling (mostly) well and energetic. I actually cooked every night, real food, not just pasta. I only seriously crashed on one afternoon. I led the Yizkor memorial service at synagogue for Shavuot, and was powerfully moved. The next day I realized it was the 25th anniversary of my friend Charisse's yahrzeit.

While I was out buying groceries yesterday, I went through the U Village's sidewalk sale and found a great pair of sandals to wear to Bulgaria and a red dress to wear on stage. Later we sat down to Shabbat dinner with 11 friends who ate everything! (Of course, they brought half the meal.) And today I led musaf services and sang one melody I learned from Charisse. That was a powerful moment too.

On the other hand, my feet continue to hurt from Hand-Foot Syndrome, I'm still trying to figure out travel stuff (although I did apply and was approved for the Bank of America travel VISA card, 0% APR for the first year, no annual fee, chip and sign, and NO FOREIGN EXCHANGE FEES! I should really make a travel to-do list.

And on the other hand,  as Tevye would say, the weather is sunny and warm, my garden is thriving even if I haven't weeded in weeks, and I came home from synagogue to find Rik asleep in the hammock with Boychik the dog. Some things are just perfect; wish I'd taken a photo.

OK, I invented a dessert

As a riff on both Marcy Goldman's recipe for Matzoh Buttercrunch, and on Hershey's Almond Joys and Mounds Bars, favorite candies of my childhood, I invented a Passover version. Of course, you could make it any time of year; it's gluten-free and totally yummy (I think). Try it and let me know you opinion!

NOTE: The bars fell apart after I tried to cut them. I think next time I'll make individual ones in muffin tins lined with paper cupcake liners. But they still taste amazingly good, if I say so myself!

Passover “Almond Joy” Bars

Crust:

1 cup almond meal

2 tablespoons melted butter

2 tablespoons sugar

Heat oven to 375° F.

Line an 8-inch square pan with baking parchment.

Combine ingredients for crust, and press into the bottom of pan. Bake for 8 to 10 minutes, until fragrant and beginning to brown.

Center:

2 large egg whites

1 teaspoon sugar

1/4 teaspoon vanilla

Pinch of salt

3/4 cup sweetened flaked coconut

Put oven rack in middle position and reduce oven heat to 300° F.

Whip together egg whites, sugar, vanilla extract, and a pinch of salt until peaks form. Stir in coconut. Spread coconut layer over almond crumb layer. Bake until top is pale golden in spots, 15 to 20 minutes.

Topping:

½ bag of chocolate chips

12 or more whole almonds

Spread chocolate chips over coconut layer. Transfer to a rack to cool completely, about 15 minutes. Decorate with whole almonds. Chill in refrigerator. Cut into bars to serve.

I think if you change three ingredients, you can call a recipe your own. I did adapt the almond crust and macaroon middle layer from:

http://lowcarbdiets.about.com/od/desserts/r/lcarbcheesecake.htm

http://www.epicurious.com/recipes/food/views/Coconut-Macaroons-232018

Matzoh Buttercrunch, to give it the proper name

Here in Seattle, about 20 years ago, a recipe began circulating among Jewish mothers of pre-school-aged children while I was working at the JCC as the Jewish educator. Someone called it Matzah Roca, after the famous candy, and it began to appear on almost every seder table as "the" dessert.

On my hunt for the original author, I found Marcy Goldman, who "created Matzoh Buttercrunch when my eldest son, now 29, was about 18 months old and of course, disliked all Passover offerings, especially the desserts. I thought about something that would be easy to make and that a toddler might eat. That was the inspiration."

I asked Marcy if I could share her original recipe on my blog, and she gracefully said yes. Marcy also writes: "I feature this recipe ‘always free’ on my website… Usually I’m not given credit for this recipe, one of my most iconic ones. But in the big scheme of life, as you must know more than most people, it’s not one of the ‘big things’.  I am just pleased that so many people get such pleasure out of the recipe. But given you have no doubt, lots to handle, it’s particular kind that you sought me out and asked for copyright permission."

So for all of you who would love the original Matzoh Buttercrunch, click away!

Cooking and cleaning and so many dishes

I love Passover. Even though over recent years I have given up changing the dishes, cleaning all the cupboards, buying new foodstuffs in unopened packages, etc. I still love Pesach. It may be favorite holiday ever.

Yesterday I spent my four good hours on my feet cooking. I made my father's recipe for chopped liver. Thanks to my in-laws' generosity, I don't grind by hand but instead use the grinder attachment for the stand mixer. (Two of the best presents I have ever received!) Then I made some matzah farfel "granola" for Rik to enjoy at breakfast and for late night snacking. I did something different this year; maybe I added a little more salt? But we both agree it's spectacular this time. And I whipped up a new cake with almonds, pears, dried cherries (and a few of the fresh ones I found in the freezer left from our little trees this summer). I haven't tasted yet since it's for tonight's seder, but if it's good I'll share the recipe I found on line.

Last night's seder was fun, maybe a little short for me, but we still finished the whole thing and didn't leave until 10:30 pm. Our hosts always include his 93-year-old father who is a Shoah survivor. What a treat to listen to his Polish Hebrew, his melodies, and to watch him pound the table during Adir Hu and shout in a call and response El! B'nai! El! B'nai! I think I will incorporate this into my next seder.

Breakfast this morning was the first taste of matzah with butter and salt -- the best! I wait all year for that delicious taste. Today I baked matzah rolls (like popovers but with matzah meal, so yummy fresh from the oven!), and a batch of matzah "roca" (as we call it in Seattle), made with chopped pecans instead of almonds this time. This recipe has floated around the world and now the internet for maybe 20 years, and is the best Passover dessert ever. I've asked the original author for permission to link to her site. We'll see what happens.

Our hostess's version of the 10 plagues. Look who came to dinner!

Last night of Chanukah

I couldn't resist making latkes one more time for the last night of the holiday. Eating any food fried in oil counts to celebrate the miracle, and so we have eaten latkes, sufganiyot (doughnuts, traditional in Israel), olive oil on salmon, leftover latkes with scrambled eggs, you name it.

Again I will post my adaptation of my father's latke recipe. As my mom and I recalled, Dad would stand at the stove frying while we three sat at the kitchen table. He'd serve up a plate of latkes, start frying another batch, and eat his while standing up. No wonder both his daughters became master latke-makers!

Jill's take on Shellie's Latkes

2 pounds Yukon Gold potatoes, peeled

2 onions, grated

3 large eggs, lightly beaten

Salt and freshly ground black pepper to taste

1/4 cup matzo meal or flour

Avocado or other high heat oil, mixed with olive oil for frying

Applesauce or sour cream for garnish

1. Grate the potatoes by hand using the tiny holes in the grater. Or in a food processor use the thinnest grating blade, then whirl with the S blade to turn potatoes from grated strips into more of a mush. Grate the onions in the same way. Scoop up 1/4 cup of potatoes at a time with your hands and squeeze out and discard the excess liquid, then put in a colander and add the onions, eggs, matzo meal, salt, and pepper, making sure that everything is very well blended. Let batter drain in the large colander over a mixing bowl while you fry.

2. Heat about 1/4 inch of oil in a 10-inch pan over high heat. Scoop latkes using a tablespoon and add them to the hot oil. Don't crowd the pan -- four at a time is plenty. Be careful not to burn yourself! Cook latkes for about 3-4 minutes per side. Drain on a rack placed in a baking sheet with one inch sides (do not use paper towels), and keep warm in a 250 degree oven. Or eat standing up, while they're fresh from the oil.

3. Serve with applesauce at a meat meal or with sour cream or Greek style yogurt at a dairy meal.

PS You can freeze fried latkes in a single layer on a baking sheet. Transfer to a freezer bag or other container. When ready to eat latkes again, reheat in a low oven for about 20 minutes or until warm. This way your house doesn't smell like fried potatoes or stale oil when the guests arrive.

Rik loves latkes!

Happy Thanksgivukkah!

It was the best of holidays.....

On Wednesday night we ate the first latkes fresh from the oil with N and K and lit the first Chanukah candles. I froze the rest of the latkes for the next day's big meal.

On Thursday I baked triple-chocolate pumpkin tarts adapted from a Martha recipe )....) and watched the Macy's parade. I still want to be a Rockette, even if I'm an inch shorter than I was and can no longer kick my legs that high.

We gathered at D's home at 4:30 or so. Then T and I stepped up to the cooking with D and A, and everyone else scattered to talk. D's turkey was delicious, T's brussels sprouts were fought over as usual, and I was the only one who ate any of my gravy (but it was VERY good!). I think everyone liked the latkes, because they disappeared.

We spent a long time cleaning up and talking. After an hour or two, we all headed over to our home for dessert. (Over the years we've found that breaking up the meal with movie, walk, etc. means everyone has more room for dessert.) A had baked her first apple pie -- it was so yummy! -- and we scarfed down some of the pumpkin tarts with whipped cream for both treats. (Dunava, those tarts are waiting in the freezer for you.) We lit the candles and ate and talked and ate and talked and sent photos far and wide via Facebook. The dogs hoovered the floor for edible bits of pie.

The Thanksgiving part is over but Chanukah continues for another six nights. I need to venture out of our cozy house to buy Chanukah candles.

It was the best of holidays...and I am so thankful that I was able to participate in the baking; cooking in the crowded kitchen elbow to elbow with friends; and talking the night away.

Mom, birthday, and more

My 86 year old mother visited last week. Between tasks for the synagogue and wanting to spend time with her, I found no spare moments in which to blog.

We took a shopping trip but found nothing; we ate a fantastic birthday dinner (her treat); we went to the grocery store and Costco; we had dinner twice with friends; and we talked a lot. It was such a treat to cuddle in her bed after Rik went to sleep and talk about everything and nothing. PBS had an amazing two part special on John F Kennedy, who my mother and grandmother really adored. That opened the door for talks on what kind of person he was, what kind of government he led, and her father's involvement in the Democratic party. While the henna on my hands and feet dried, we shmoozed in depth.

As to the birthday, I clearly can't do math. I turned 54 last Friday, which is three times 18. And 18 is a special Jewish number. In Hebrew, all letters have a corresponding numerical value. The word that makes up 18 is chai -- life. So I had a really special birthday this year, but it took my sister and my friend S to tell me about the triple chai part.

Shabbat Shazam!

To celebrate D and C hosted a marvelous dinner with some of my closest friends. Everyone brought delicious food (all my favorites), and C brought at least two slices of six different cakes from Bakery Nouveau (as well as a twice-baked almond croissant or two). It was a very festive evening, complete with "Shabbat Shazam!" from the Superman birthday candle. (Credit again to S, who is so brilliant.)

Mom left before the crack of dawn the next day, and although I got up to say goodbye, I couldn't make it out the door. Rik drove her and managed her through all the hurdles until her escort showed up. What a guy! He sure makes a great husband and sone-in-law. He came home and went back to sleep. At 9 AM I realized I should get up and go to synagogue for the aliyah I'd requested for my birthday, but I couldn't keep my eyes open. Instead I slept until 2:30 PM and made up for a week of missed naps.

I've finished round 11 of Xeloda and see Dr G tomorrow. More to report then.

Last catch up

Since we've been back in Seattle I've bought lots of groceries, ran some errands, and taken down my part of the sukkah. We had a sunny afternoon yesterday, and I spent a hour or two taking down the decorations, throwing the s'chach (greenery) off the top of the sukkah, and sweeping the needles and green bits off the deck. (The next day was compost, recycling and garbage day.) I checked all the electric lights before packing them up, and have some of the decorations drying on the table while the rest of the stuff went straight into the storage box.

I made dinner for a shul family needing support, and have two other meals to make on Thursday and Friday. I sure hope no one gets tired of sesame cold noodles!