we'll build our house and chop our wood and make our garden grow!

(that's a quote from leonard bernstein's candide, only one of the best musicals ever written. it's playing at seattle's 5th avenue theatre soon and I CAN'T WAIT!)







today farmer rik planted the early spring part of our garden. he seeded chard, spinach, mesclun lettuces and radishes. the potatoes will have to wait a bit. the tomatoes go into pots in late may. i have given up on growing tomatoes from seed here in the not-quite-sunny-enough pacific northwest.



rik had assistance from the junior and senior canine supervisors, bob and pumpkin. my role was to sit comfortably on the chaise drinking a can of cold seltzer. it was a gloriously sunny and warm afternoon, the first such in weeks.

later i went to choir rehearsal where we also sat outside and attracted the attention of the neighbors.

all in all, it was a great day, with limited worries about dislocated elbows and cancer. more news tomorrow when i see the orthopod. here's hoping i am healed enough to progress to a jointed brace right away.

finding joy

my friend wynne and i met in 2007 at a retreat in las vegas for young women with metastatic breast cancer. sponsored by young survival coalition, it was the first such activity ysc did for women with mets. (it happened during the same week elizabeth edwards was diagnosed with mets and people magazine interviewed me in a sidebar article.)

those who attended the retreat laughed and cried together. strangers at first, we bonded quickly and started our own list serv after we went home.

wynne came to seattle about a year ago and we reconnected. we've been in e-touch ever since and read one another's blogs to stay tuned. she's back in the hospital again and found a piano available for patients' use. (now that's a hospital!)

this video, of wynne warming up and playing her beloved chopin, brought tears to my eyes. it's so easy to be lost in one's own pain and can be so hard to find joy. wynne's playing reminded me how grateful i am that i can still dance a bit, sing with my choir, dunava, and lead services at synagogue. that's where i find my joy.

so i am going to sing my heart out tonight when dunava performs at the radost folk ensemble fundraiser. and do the same next weekend when we have our annual spring concert.

if you find joy in the little things, you will always be surrounded by joy.

to my readers

i am touched that 46 of you regularly follow my blog. the blog started as a way for family and friends to know what was going on. most of those folks check often but haven't signed up as official "followers." i never expected random people to be interested in what i have to say.

i feel honored that so many of you who i have never met care about me. you inspire me to write frequently, honestly and with candor. thank you for sticking with me!

head bumps

saw the dermatologist yesterday and he suspects the bumps on my head may indeed be scalp mets. evidently skin mets are not unusual in breast cancer, although the only person i know with scalp mets has a completely different kind of cancer.

i managed to negotiate successfully NOT have a biopsy that moment but to wait for dr a and dr g to talk about next steps. my plate is overflowing with medical stuff right now and the last thing i wanted was the pain of lidocaine while he numbs my head, two punch biopsies, stitches in my scalp, a headache and maybe bleeding afterwards. dr a is a good doc; he listened carefully and since this isn't life-threatening, agreed to talk with dr g the oncologist.

the most likely scenario i can predict is that dr g will start me on chemo immediately upon his return. of course we will see what my latest tumor markers indicate, but chances are good that they have continued to climb, indicating that the current drug isn't working either. maybe i can negotiate a short reprieve while i recover from the dislocated elbow but that would be it.

you know i don't look forward to chemo (now that's an understatement) but my cancer has basically not been effectively treated for almost a year. it's been relatively quiet, but scalp mets void the bargain i made with my cancer 7+ years ago. if it was quiet i would give it room in my body. but if it gets out of hand, then we pull out the big guns.

chemo, here we come.

post-pesach feast

rik and i feasted on our traditional end of passover meal -- pizza and beer. oh, the joys of yeast! we went to pizzeria fondi and partook in the pizza per due 2 for $20 special. we shared a medium salad with candied walnuts, apples and goat cheese over frisee lettuce and arugula, then split a vegetarian pizza. the deal included two beers; we chose the amber lager.


even after all that chametz i still wanted to celebrate so it was off to trophy for his and hers cupcakes. mine was peanut butter/chocolate and his triple coconut.

what a delicious way to end eight days of matzah (burp!).

pt report

i saw the physical therapist yesterday and when she measured my left hand, the swelling at the finger, across the knuckles and at the wrist was just about the same as when i started seeing her in february. this is good news in that it seems to indicate my hand is not swollen out of control by the elbow dislocation. of course, we have no idea what my arm is doing under the splint....

she did some mld massage and we scheduled more appointments for after i see the orthopod next week and he (hopefully) removes my splint.

yizkor again

several times a year jews remember our beloved family and friends who have died. we light the 24 hour yizkor candle at yom kippur, sukkot, pesach and shavu'ot.

a few weeks ago i was asked to lead the short yizkor service on the last day of pesach. i was honored, having only done this once before, last fall for yom kippur, and hadn't felt i did such a good job then (plus was overwhelmed by so many people in the congregation).

i practiced diligently but after last week's fall wasn't sure i could do it. thankfully my good friend s gave me a ride to synagogue today. i arrived 30 seconds before yizkor was supposed to start: services were moving faster than the rabbi anticipated.

i felt more confident this time. no doubt having fewer people present helped as well. i was able to slow down, concentrate on each note and really be in the moment, so much so that i was caught up in the emotion of those present and my own memories of my father, zichrono l'vracha, may his memory be a blessing.

yizkor can be very powerful. where else do you sit in a roomful of people who are crying, blowing their noses and wiping their eyes while they remember their dead?

i was moved to be able to move others so and help provide a relief for our collective grief.

quiet weekend

the dislocated elbow has kept me quiet all weekend. it's just as well that typing with my other hand is limiting, since i don't have much to report.

we went out to shabbat dinner. had a lovely visit saturday afternoon with our good friends on mercer island, including a scrabble game and scrounging dinner together. on sunday i went to choir rehearsal and as the only soprano present, managed to stay (mostly) on tune. rik made roast cornish game hens for dinner and we were in bed by 10 pm.

today he went back to school so we both got up early - him at 6 am, me at 6:15. the ativan i took the night before to help me sleep hadn't quite worn off and i noticed some vertigo after my shower when rik was helping me dress. i took a nap and that seems to have helped.

this will be a week of medical appointments. today the dentist!

yay new orthopod!

i saw the new orthopod, dr bill wagner, today. he specializes in hands. dr w says the elbow joint is still in place (took new xrays) and wants to keep me in the splint until 4/12 then move to a jointed brace. no surgery now!

using a powered cast removal saw, the nurse cut off part of the splint covering my hand. she was so careful -- slid a long plastic ruler-thingy under each section and sawed one inch at a time, moving the ruler thing from place to place around my wrist. dr w padded the rough edges and told me i was good to wear my lymphedema glove. (i will bandage at night.) rik was able to slide the glove on for me.

doc and i were equally concerned about skin care on my lymphedema arm and he most gently washed away the plaster residue that had stuck to my skin.

i will see the lymphedema pt on tuesday and maybe she will be able to reduce some of the swelling in my hand, wrist, etc. in the meanwhile rik is giving me manual lymphatic drainage massage in the mornings.

good news for today!

ouch my elbow!

it would have been a wonderful start to pesach if, after the first seder, i hadn't slipped on a steep, wet driveway and fallen on my left elbow. i was convinced my arm had broken; it hurt almost as much as the left femur did seven+ years ago. our hosts called 911 immediately. c brought out a blanket and pillow for me (it was wet on the street and really cold outside). everyone else freaked out.

the fire truck arrived first and they rolled me onto a back board. then the ambulance came and after some discussion, the emt's decided not to try to put an inflatable splint on my arm for fear it would cause me too much pain. (a good call.) they took me to swedish hospital's er on first hill where the wonderful medical team cut my purse, coat, dress, t-shirt and bra away so they could access my port, get a better look at the elbow and see if i had any other injuries.

after accessing my port they gave me very strong pain meds. the er team tried twice to "reduce" or relocate my elbow but it kept slipping out again. at about 3 am they reached an orthopedist specializing in hands and he came in, was successfully able to reduce the joint. multiple xrays confirmed that there was no fracture.

my left arm is splinted from the knuckles to the shoulder to immobilize my elbow and the arm is in a sling to support the weight. since they'd had to cut off all my clothing, the hospital sent me home in a gown and sweat pants. we finally got home around 5 am.

since tuesday my pain has steadily decreased. with rik's help i've been able to shower, put on clean clothes, get around the house. he is doing everything -- feeding me three meals every day, doing all the household stuff, feeding and walking the dogs, you name it. thankfully he was home this week on spring break.

i see the orthopod again friday morning and will learn more then about whether or not i need surgery. in the meantime our friends have stepped up to help and the synagogue's mitzvah corps is on alert.

my lymphedema is out of control. (i had to fall on my left arm.) the physical therapist called from her vacation to suggest some tips on reducing the swelling in my hand and fingers from the splint.

sorry for typing all in lower case but it is really hard to shift with one hand to get a capital letter. i will post more as i am able but it looks like i am facing 6-8 weeks in a cast. more tomorrow after we see the doc.

at least i get to dream about all the shopping i will do to replace the raincoat, dress and bra...